Coloring, Sadness, and Overwhelming Thirst

These are the things taking up my days lately. I said that I don't want my relationship/breakup with Rhy to be the focus of this blog, and that's still true, but it would be silly and disingenuous to pretend that it doesn't impact my daily life at the moment. Of course it does. We were together for a long time, and most days are at least a little bit painful right now. When a long-term romantic relationship ends, you're not just losing a partner, you're losing a whole life. The life that you could have had with that person is gone, and it's a lot to grieve.

Sometimes I feel perfectly fine, happy, and optimistic. But the sadness comes, suddenly and forcefully, every once in a while. Sometimes, I have to stop what I was doing to take a few minutes to cry. I am an emotionally strong but sensitive woman, and I feel everything deeply, good and bad. I cry often and easily, and I'm okay with that. It's not a trait that I'm ashamed of, but it can make some things, like a breakup, more difficult.

I'm trying to organize my thoughts into a coherent blog post, but there are just so many of them. So many conflicting and jumbled feelings. I feel sad about the end of a relationship that I expected to last for the rest of my life; I feel angry that I will eventually have to start over with someone new; I feel regret for the things I did wrong and the ways I contributed to the falling apart of this relationship; I feel hurt by the things he did wrong; I feel glad that he still values my friendship; I feel hopeful that I can find someone who's a better fit for me; I feel thirsty AF because it's been a long-ass time since I've been physically intimate with someone.

It's going to take a while to sort through all of these things. In the meantime, I'm going to go color some moths.

P.S. To my friend who has reminded me that getting to know a new person isn't always awkward and difficult, thank you. I'm glad that you exist and that the universe brought you into my life during this tough time.